the vietnamese jurassic park

Halong Bay is gorgeous. It is a massive body of water with nearly 2,000 uninhabited islands that look straight out of Jurassic Park with their entire surface area covered by unnavigably thick forest. The islands are very tall, protruding out of the water, sometimes several hundred yards high, and not much more in diameter. The Vietnamese legend about them says something of a dragon coming through and doing something and the islands are the spikes on his tail popping out of the water; I sort of tuned out while the captain was telling us the story, he told us the story before I found out she was fifteen.
We spent a couple hours slowly putting along through the labyrinth of islands, some of them less than 20 yards from the boat at times, our massive pirate ship, then we dropped anchor somewhere among them and took some kayaks for a spin. The Belgian transplant and I got along really well, he was in the computer business so we talked work mostly, so we grabbed a couple kayaks and headed off around a couple islands together. We found a cool island with a big cave on one side of it and beached our kayaks on the little secluded beach leading into the cave. There were bats in said cave, it was a bit creepy. After getting lost for a while we managed to find our way back to the boat where we got back on board and were told we were headed to the largest cave to be found on all of the islands. The cave has a name, but I suppose it’s irrelevant.
The boat pulls into a very small harbor type area where upwards of ten boats were docked at what appeared to be the base of the cave. As soon as we got within a visible distance, I could tell it was going to suck because of all of the souvenir shops lining the dock and the stairs leading up to the cave’s entrance. Our guide was going on and on in 10% understandable English, telling us things I still don’t know about the cave. It looked less like a natural marvel and more like a now defunct ride at Disneyland that was shut down 20 years ago. Granted there were impressive stalagmites and stalactites growing out of the ground as well as the roof, but they were all strategically and artificially lit by orange, green, yellow, blue, and red flood lights to give it a serious rave vibe and it took every ounce of potentially natural beauty out of it. The rudimentary exchange between the guide and myself was quite comical however. Encountering the same thing as happened back in Thailand, the young guide was itching to talk about sex, so as we’re walking through the cave, and I’m trying not to hate it for it’s artificiality, Quang pulls me aside, and under his breath says, “Meestah Daveed Willem, what these rock luk lie?” I looked at them and pondered, “Well, Quang, it slightly resembles a penis.” As though he’d just won the lottery, he was overjoyed with a massive smile and exclaimed, “YES! Hahahahahahahahaha, you ah rie!”